A Personal Inception

Sometimes we get down on ourselves don't we? Life's road is usually cracked, windy, and maybe even sometimes broken. There are bumps all around it, and we have a hard time navigating them. Why is that? Have you looked at yourself recently and asked, "Who am I?" I have. It's been a life long journey up to this point. Every time I think of it, every time I think I'm close, it slips away. Why? Because it's a journey, it's not a destination.

I talked about this a little bit in my last post, when I talked about being in the Eye of the Storm, but now I want to focus on that personal journey that we all have to find ourselves. I'm not an expert in any respect. In fact, I'm wrestling with myself and my mind to continue making progress in my own journey. It's difficult. I've shed many a tear and hugged many a floor, wondering how to keep going. So how would we?

For me, I've done lots of searching. Searching the Bible, the Book of Mormon-reading guides and studies, praying every single day, and doing a lot of self study. It's hard, because we sometimes don't know when we've reached the next step, or when we've achieved that next tier in knowledge.

I recently read an article that outlined some of the basic steps to finding yourself. I almost cried reading it. Most of the things it talks about, have been things that I've been searching, wrestling, crying, or searching for for a while. It didn't give me any dominate answers, but it gave me something to start from. I'd like to outline a few of its points, as well as input a few of my own gospel points in.

For me, my challenges are mostly emotional, especially at the present time. Most everything else is fine (Though, none of them are ever perfect), but I'm definitely working on that side of me more then anything. I don't mind talking about myself, but usually I'm quite reserved in "who" I talk to about it. I always have this fear that by revealing some of my mistakes or vulnerabilities, that I'll just come out more broken. I'll put that fear aside for now, at least with a few of these challenges that I'll share with you.

I recognize myself as a perfectionist. It's not a boastful label nor is it a horrible trait, but it is a challenge for me in lots of respects. Sometimes I try so hard to be perfect; to love everyone, to be nice and neat always, and to do my best in things I do, but with perfection as my bar, I never succeed. Now, if I'm talking about it, I must recognize that I have this tendency or trait, right? 

So, why is it so hard? It's because it's a mental way of thinking. It's part of my personality. Can I change it? Honestly, I don't know, but I just know that I have to find someway of letting it in and fusing with me. You can only fight yourself so long before you lose, and I've gotten to that point many times. That's one of the rules of life though: Nobody is perfect, and we don't need to be concerned about being loved by everyone. That's something that's hard for most people, including me. I love the quote by Raymond Hull that says:

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." 

It's hard to do this sometimes, but we need to accept ourselves and realize that we are very special people. This goes along with self worth and self confidence. Again, something that I'm working on, but we need to accept that each of us are special, and we have talents that we've been blessed with.

There was two or three main points from the article that I will mention now. The first subject on one of the "Steps to Personal Discovery" was entitled, "Let go of the need to be loved by all."

This is something that I think is difficult for many people. We want to be accepted don't we? It's our nature to want praise and affection for the things that we do or the achievements we get, but let's face facts. With nearly six billion people on the world (Don't quote me on that statistic!), we can't get along or be loved by everyone. Someone somewhere is going to hate or dislike us for reasons we don't know. Just accept that you won't get along with everyone. You have friends and family who, hopefully, love you, and even though everyone may not like you, you're still a wonderful person who has gifts and talents to use through your life.

The second point that I'd like to outline is, "Immerse yourself in Solitude." 

This is definitely true for myself. Everyone needs time alone, whether you're the "Chatty Cathy" or the "Shy Stewart". The article clearly describes that solitude is a time for rejuvenation, self-talk, and utter peace. Reading that sentence gave me a lot of peace. I love to discuss things with myself inside my mind. I find that, even when I can't turn to anyone else, I am my greatest listener. If we don't stop and think once and a while, our brains go into overload. How can you expect to find peace if you've burnt out the 'memory boards' of your brain? Not possible. Everything needs rest, and that goes for your mind and your feelings too.

For me, my time consists of quiet pondering, simple writing, and soft prayers. I would consider myself a creative person at heart, and it really is something when I can just sit down and let my mind zoom through the universes and feel that peace. 

The final point I'd like to talk about is, "Be ready for Dead Ends." 

I told you at the start that reading this article made me tear up, and the following point and quotation is one of the reasons why. I love you all. Thank you for coming into my life and for teaching me many, many things about myself. I will leave you, my good reader, with this quote, and bid you a wonderful time till we blog again :). Be safe, and remember that you always have a caring friend right here. 

Finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. That's the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive: More often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes you fall flat on your face. Be prepared to understand and accept that this is a part of the process, and commit to getting right back up and starting over. 

Credits:

www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself 

The Eye of the Storm

"Don't Cry for Me-"

No, not Argentina, sorry! Was almost about to break into song there, but I'll spare everyone!

Just a little something to bring you in he-he!

Anyway, I've just been feeling different lately, especially with the things that I feel like writing about. I've told you this in the past that I love writing. It is a very calm stress reliever for me at many times. However, when thinking of something else to write about in future posts, I've been thinking about some different perspectives and topics.

The title of this blog wasn't just a sly hook, but there is a relation I would like to make to the song it references to how I've been thinking about life and myself. I don't know if a lot of you feel this way, if you do, I really hope that I can shed more light on some of the facts associated with these feelings.

Over the past little while, I've been doing extensive internal analysis with myself. Others would coin it as "Soul Searching", but the meaning is the same. What I do as a missionary is invite people to Jesus Christ and teach them learn about the gospel he established and how it has hereby been restored.

I'm telling you this to let you know how I feel, and then to hopefully connect with something that you, the reader, might be feeling. Teaching people about the gospel is fairly easy, in actuality. As we know from the Bible, and other scriptures, the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit testifies and influences truth through everyone. Teaching is easy, because the Holy Spirit helps it to be easy. We, as missionaries, are just messengers and vessels through which the Spirit can be felt. The essence of true conversion is the testimony that the Holy Ghost gives to each and every person. We, the missionaries, can't convert anyone-that's the Holy Spirit's job. Ours is only to create the opportunities. People will accept it or not, and that's one of the benefits, at least for our feelings as teachers, from people's agency.

I don't want to get off on a tangent about the Holy Ghost right now, because I will discuss him and his role in depth another time, but I want to make a related between teaching people and being a missionary, and then still being human and a normal person.

I made a reference to the song, Don't Cry for Me Argentina, from the Broadway musical Evita, because it has an interesting message, and I just felt like I could connect with some of the feelings I've gotten from it. I don't know why this happened. I've been involved with that musical in the past, but something about it really has been pressing on my mind lately.

The song relates Eva Peron's feelings to the people of Argentina. She first relates her experiences as she aspired for more in life, and how she had to climb to the top for freedom. She didn't like the poor life, and so she wanted to reach for the stars. She then exhorts them, the people, not to weep for her, and that she'll always be with them. Like I said, I don't know why this certain song has been coming to my mind lately, but within the song I think there is some very special messages for life.

I don't want you, the reader, to take my relation and comparison to this famous musical creation literally. I want you to actually listen. Listen to the feelings and emotions that come into your heart if you ever get to listen to the song.

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange. When I try to explain how I feel...

I hope you focus on the feelings and emotions that the tune and tone of the song bring. Sometimes in life we feel that we can't properly explain ourselves to people. I don't know what the reason may be. But we try our hardest to be true to ourselves and to try and grow as individuals.

I find myself a lot of times like a small boat, sitting in the middle of a hurricane-the eye of the storm, and looking all around me at the treacherous winds. Every time I might try to navigate out of the storm, I can't because of the circling barriers of wind. I'm not broken or shattered, because I'm in the eye of the storm, but I'm not going anywhere either. It's this whirlwind wind of repetition. It may be with experiences, thoughts, feelings, life-whatever you may have felt this way about. Sometimes we just have to think inward and pull ourselves up.

The song I referenced, disregarding the context in the actual play, has a very powerful, and individualistic view. I think we need to reach for the stars. We may be in a storm of hatred or uncertainty, but I think if we just first, trust in Jesus Christ, and, second, realize that we're more important than we think we are, we can go far and reach for that freedom.

I haven't fully navigated out of the storm. Life is a storm, and I think, at least for me personally, I'm going to be battling with Life's winds for a while, but I take comfort in the fact that I'm still sailing and that, even though there may be some fierce winds, each of us control whether our boat shatters, or whether we keep on navigating.

I testify of the power of the scriptures. They are truly a map to life. I know that Jesus is my savior and that he can always help us through that storm way. I'm not perfect, and I'm still pressing on and navigating, but I take comfort in the fact that I don't have to navigate alone. I have wonderful friends and family with me, taking this treacherous journey with me.

Finally, my wonderful readers, thank you for continuing to take comfort from the words that I speak. I really hope and intend for them to be a loving comfort for you, and for them to make you feel a bit better. Know that a caring friend is never far away if you need one. I love all of you, and I'm grateful for the opportunity and the chance to make the journey a little bit brighter. I do love the last part of the song that I've mentioned earlier, and that is what I'll leave you with:

"But all you have to do is look at me to know, That every word is true..."

Don't Cry for Me Argentina Lyric Excerpts
Copyright Andrew Lloyd Webber